At an out of town conference in Las Vegas several college employees invited their co-worker attendees out for drinks -- paid for with college per-Diem funds as the college paid for all the attendee's conference fees, airfare, hotel rooms, airport transfers, and parking fees. One attendee, Bob, was singled out to be excluded from a happy hour at the request of a Director from another department who does not like him. (She actually tells her coworkers she hates Bob.)
The next day, Bob met with the Administrator of his department to express his disappointment at being excluded from the team get together the Administrator attended the night before. The Administrator said he told the Director-who-hates-Bob that Bob should be invited, but when she refused, and nobody else spoke up, he went along with her wishes.
The Administrator went on to tell Bob that everyone likes him and that he's "a key member of the department who does things that nobody else can do," but being excluded was all his fault because "You want to be friends with people too much." The Administrator then went on to say the Director thinks Bob is getting "too popular" and thinks he's "trying to steal her friends." Bob didn't know how to respond to accusations that seemed more appropriate to come from High School students instead of from the leaders of a college.
The Administrator continued on for 45 minutes explaining that Bob's sense of humor is too intellectual and clever for some of them to understand, that not everyone wants to attend the group lunches and happy hours he's been organizing, and that some people are disappointed when they can't attend. Bob was confused, but he continued to listen to his boss's critique of... what? His desire to be friendly with his co-workers?
The Administrator finally finished up by pointing his finger at Bob and aggressively telling him to stay away from all of them, don't try to talk with them, and to stop trying to be their friend because the Administrator, the Director, the Assistant Director, and the Vice-President of Student Development are not Bob's friends now, never have been, and never will be. They are "through with him." (see mobbing).
Under his Administrator's command, Bob agreed to stop organizing group lunches and happy hours, to stop trying to be their friend, and to avoid them entirely back at the office. By this time he felt sick and just wanted to get away.
That night there was a conference away-team dinner paid for by the college, a party, a gathering of the attendees from the college, and Bob was specifically not invited to that event by his Administrator, or, needless to say, the Director, the Assistant Director, or the Vice-President of Student Development.
"The way female bullying is done often differs from male bullying. ...it's often more common for female bullies to form groups to deliberately exclude certain people, to spread malicious gossip about others, ... or to constantly find fault with someone else."
From the college's Policy Manual:
"College Administration will
set the tone for civil behavior through their professional conduct and through their leadership of the institution.
All members of the college community will create a positive environment characterized by considerate and principled conduct."
See Unjustified Causation
Why do you think it was impossible for the Administrator to say...
"I'm sorry you were left out, you should have been included. I'll make sure that never happens again to you or any member of my department. Everyone's having dinner together tonight and I would really like for you to join us."
Definition of Pariah:
a person who is hated and rejected by other people.
In college Bob declined to attend more than one party because none of the African American students they knew were invited. Nobody noticed most likely, but as a matter of principle Bob was not going to participate and give his approval to the guest list if all his fellow students were not included.
Bob still struggles to understand
why so few people feel that way....